Resting B**** Face and the Real Bee-otches: Knowing the Difference (A Satire)

adelle-labrecqueBY ADELLE LaBRECQUE
Staff Writer, UAS Whalesong

I’ll be honest, at first, she totally caught me off guard. Then, she started to sort of weird me out. Finally, I was blown away by the fact that she was indeed working super hard to be a complete and utter Bee-otch. Yep, I said it—it couldn’t be argued. Her outwardly irritated behavior, the quick, sharp tone of her voice, and her corresponding death stare, made the message crystal-clear—she was being awful on purpose. Her body language was readable and her communication unsubtle: I was the only other female in the bar and she did not appreciate it.

Granted, how could I blame her? Certainly, my motionless mouth, sleep-deprived stare, and overall disheveled appearance was in instant competition with her classy, expensive attire and wide eyes. My ungroomed head of hair, tied into a knot and tucked away inside my hoodie—exemplary of how women choose to “beautify” themselves in present time. As I fumbled silently to grab a few dollar bills from my wallet to leave as a tip, her sharp tone exposed itself again. “Excuse me, are you all done!?” she snapped at me, as I slid her tip across the bar. Unbelievable.

Let us be real with each other, readers. We’d likely be fibbing if we stated that we have never crossed paths with an attitude like the one I’ve just described. Though yes, we have each been a real “fill-in-the-blank” from time to time, it goes without saying, that there are few habits less attractive than someone who establishes their character permanently in this way. You know, as if they decide to embed anger in every encounter. Indeed, these difficult to deal with personality types exist in each corner of the world, with all genders and age groups playing a role. So let us proceed by categorizing into three, some-detailed Bee-otches. Shall we, then?

To begin, I would like to introduce the most frightening of the three Bee-otch groups. Experiences shared with this type are very similar to the encounter I’ve shared in detail above. I dub this group: “The Tangible Bee-otches.” This particular Bee-otch comes in many forms, is often between the ages of twenty-one and forty-five years of age, and is—like all types—gender neutral and can be described as “cringe worthy.” I shudder at this type of Bee-otch. I warn you: these are highly capable Bee-otches—do not underestimate them! They can vary from your adult sibling who has never outgrown their unappreciative teenage persona, to the perpetual workplace complainer, to the breakroom gossiper, to the cross-armed overly stiff manager who is seemingly unsatisfied with everything. Let it be known: be cautious of this Bee-otch when they approach you out of normal “Bee-otchy” character—you never know when they are ready to pounce!

The next type of Bee-otch I will introduce, I like to refer to as “Ye Elder Bee-otch.” This type is much older and wiser than The Tangible Bee-otch, and is hardly to be feared, (for the most part), after you have spent a little time together. This specific type lives at an entirely different spectrum of the Bee-otch Lifespan, and has usually transformed into a rather charming Bee-otch. They are almost always fifty years or older, are known to say exactly what they think about a certain subject at any given time, regardless of whether it is deemed appropriate or not for that specific situation. In many circumstances, this Bee-otch eventually becomes a loving and trusted confidant and lifelong protector of loved ones, (especially grandbabies), as well as in public places such as the grocery store, Toys ‘R’ Us, your local dive bar—anywhere, really. It matters none to Ye Elder Bee-otches!

This rather endearing genre brings me to my next group, which I shall dub “The Unfortunate Bee-otches.” I have found this title fitting, because of the men and women in this group suffering from the unfortunate case of “Resting B**** Face” (RBF). RBF can be found in those poor, unindenting folks whose “at rest” facial expression appears to be one of contempt, but in reality, they are simply expressionless. RBF is a scientifically researched (and proven!) phenomenon that often results in unwanted feedback from others, such as, “You should really smile more,” or “Is something wrong? Are you mad at me?” etc. These undesirable concerns and/or criticisms from others regarding their—in actuality—neutral expressionless stare, is known to “wear thin” this type of Bee-otch, and can actually create real feelings of contempt and irritation. A few examples of this type that readers are surely familiar with—or can at least Google—are celebrities such as: Kristen Stewart, Anna Kendrick, Kanye West, and Kristen Bell. Many of these celebrities even publicly tease themselves and share their experience living with RBF. Behavioral Researcher, Abbe Macbeth of Noldus Information Technology, sums things up quite nicely in her research, stating, “…It’s in subtle signals, like [a] kind of a tightening around the eyes, and a little bit of raising of the corners of the lips — but not into a smile.” Alas, those poor Unfortunate Bee-otches.

So dear readers, of the “Tangible Bee-otches,” let us be wary. For “Ye Elder Bee-otches,” let us remain afraid. But for the “Resting Bee-otch Faces,” let us remain open-minded. For to our surprise, they could even be complimenting us in their minds. Please, feel empowered to spread your new Bee-otch-Know-How to others, informing them and relieving them of their grief in times of stress and Post-Bee-otch-Woe. …And remember readers—don’t be a Bee-otch!


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