For You, I Will Wear Pink Camouflage: A Poem

adelle-labrecqueBY ADELLE LaBRECQUE
Staff Writer, UAS Whalesong

Suicide survivor: my newest hated identity.

30,000 feet in the sky brought clarity to everything.

As I stared at the moon, I saw what—in hindsight—was always present.
The suspending clouds reflected vibrant, white light, unlike something I’d ever seen before.

What an incredible sight from this bird’s-eye-view
up so high…  

Though I am left with nothing but this coffee, my thoughts,
and the energy you surely promised yourself, you’d leave behind to consume me.

I am haunted by the Northern Lights.
By The North…

But I am hunted by the Northwest Coast.

Every song sounds different, these days.
Some musicians create a newly, welcomed place in my heart, as I connect them to you.
And there, they will reside for a timespan unknown.
As I become more ignorant of how to let this go.

I can’t help but wonder how many happened like yours…

How different would things be if they stayed?  …If she stayed?

But I need to stop speaking in such a promising way, like you’re coming back—
it’s not possible now.
The time has passed, the plan was implemented; the obituary published.
A void revealed itself, like this approaching separation within the clouds, only without beauty. And I ask God why it was there in the first place.  

But despite my grieving, I must express my gratitude to you, now.
What you have done for me…
what you have truly helped me to fathom…

Compassion suddenly presents itself in my chest tonight,
and in my throat.
And with each breath and passing hour, it speaks its message more clearly.

You have helped me to grow, while exposing what the coldest truth feels like.
Yet like a void in nature, it does not remain unfilled.
It is with those cold fingertips of mine,
that I was forced to find what the warmth of others felt like, and I continue to grow for us both.  

I value now,
what it means to see the sky in your eyes, and the sea.

Rays of sunlight can continue to stretch and glow—
whether they find me or not—
I know that somewhere, they are reaching the ground where you lie amidst Redwoods
and I understand fully, how much you have affected me.

I can decipher exactly when you burrowed yourself within my heart.

Thank you for being in my life.  Thank you for everything.

I want to share with you, your importance to me, but in return, I expect nothing from you.
I ask not for a sign, nor Heavenly message.

In truth, the largest beauty in all of this, is the freedom of it traveling to you,
both in words and in energy.
I wish simply for your awareness of your worth to me.

For simply knowing that we are cared for is a phenomenon in itself; a sentiment that—
when expressed in its absolute truth—
can open a heart and set a trapped-mind free.

Emotions that have the ability to cure grieving even the most scarred parts of ourselves.   

So for now,
I will find my peace leaving emotions up here with the moon and its elegant neighboring clouds.

For this moment,
these 30,000 feet into the air,
have brought me clarity of the most beautifully obscure kind.

I could not be more grateful to you for being in this life with me,
whatever role you may play in it.
You have given me strength, unacknowledged before this experience.

Please, for the sake of argument,
allow into your heart, a genuine truth,
so there will be nothing more I need tell you that you haven’t already seen in your heart.

To me, everything can feel clean now,
as I soar on above the clouds, still staring in admiration at this half-moon.
And I can remain in this surreal state with my newly turned heart,
overflowing with Truth as intelligent as this Divine Universe we reside in.

Overwhelmed nerves can finally take a long awaited respite
and the energy at my sides can comfort me, rather than consume me…
because I can finally begin to let you go now.

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