They’re Holding Hands (I Want Them Dead)

For the UAS Whalesong

It continues to baffle me that there are people in this world who genuinely hate Valentine’s Day. I would understand if something really bad had happened to those people, but at least in the case of the ones I’ve encountered, they only hate it because it reminds them that they are single. “Singles’ Awareness Day,” my old suitemate used to call it, and she would go into a black mood and sulk for the entirety of the 14th. Other people murmur mutinously about St. Valentine and his beheading. Some refuse to acknowledge the holiday at all. I just enjoy the silly cards and the candy, but apparently I am one member of a very small part of the population. I haven’t got as much life experience as most people, but I’ve found that in general, if people aren’t out with their S.O. on Valentine’s Day, they’re at home sulking. Or, if they’re out and about, they’re quoting President Snow from the Hunger Games trilogy (specifically, the title of this article).

As someone who enjoys all holidays, I decided to compile a list of things that you can do on Valentine’s Day to entertain yourself and keep your mind off the people wandering the streets and holding hands. And while you read it, just remember that at least you don’t live in Paris. Imagine what *that’s* like on Valentine’s Day!

Play a video game – There are plenty of games on plenty of consoles out there in the world to take your mind off your relationship woes. If you don’t mind fake Valentine’s Day, the popular first-person shooter Destiny is having an event in honor of the holiday! If you want a bittersweet love story, I recommend taking a day to play Transistor – it’s a fairly short game, and your boyfriend is a talking sword. (I know! I know.) For fans of dialogue options and dating sims, I recommend a Bioware game – either the Mass Effect or Dragon Age trilogies. (The Mass Effect games are numbered in order, while Dragon Age goes in order from Origins to 2 to Inquisition.) And, if you want your mind completely off of romance, there’s always Call of Duty, I guess. Or you could play a DS game, like Professor Layton and the Curious Village or one of the Pokémon games.

Binge-watch – Either movies or a TV series! Again, you could live vicariously through your favorite characters and their fictional relationships (I highly recommend romantic comedy Korean dramas for this), or you could do a marathon of movies that have nothing to do with love whatsoever. (The Expendables trilogy gets a ten out of ten from me for this, as well as for the amount of explosions and really big guns. Shooty bang bang guns, and also the arm kind.)

Work out – Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don’t kill their husbands! They just don’t.

Read a book – There’s probably one somewhere that you’ve been meaning to read for fun and haven’t gotten around to yet. So why not read it on Valentine’s Day?

Throw a party – It can be themed for the day, or it can just be a party, because parties are both fun and an excuse to both bake and eat cupcakes. If anyone tells you that you can’t have a party, guess what? They’re not invited, because it’s your party. Score.

Make platonic Valentines – Nothing says they have to be romantic! Get fun, get punny, make references, and dish out love and affection in card form to your friends and family and neighborhood newspaper reporters. They’ll appreciate it!

Hopefully, that’s enough options to keep you entertained and distracted on this most controversial of days. I wish you luck – and remember, I’m a lot of fun, so if you do have a Valentine’s Day party, be sure to invite me.

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